If you’re new to the Jeans & a Tank Top Bachelor/ette Recaps, welcome! If you’re a returning reader, good to see you again and thanks for coming back despite some spotty performance the last few seasons! In what is becoming habit rather than unexpected coincidence, the beginning of The Bachelor Season 22 (like Season 12 of The Bachelorette and Season 21 of The Bachelor) coincided with me traveling out of the country. Great for my passport, not so conducive to timely episode recaps. That said, I’ve watched both Arie’s preview special and the first episode. The preview was an hour of my life I’ll never get back and almost entirely duplicated within the first episode so let’s just move on with The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap!
Arie Luyendyk, Jr., 36, has been resurrected from Season 8 of The Bachelorette with Emily Maynard. As “runner up” to Jef Holm, Arie’s heart was broken by Emily. In case we forget just how much, Episode 1 of Bachelor Season 22 begins with a recap. Not only was Arie sent home, when (post-show) he attempted to share a journal of his love for her, she didn’t even read it. Basically she crushed his heart and his spirit. He avoided life in race cars for a few years, then transitioned into real estate and turned racing into a hobby. Fun fact: Arie appeared in two Stadium Super Truck runs at the 2017 St Petersburg Grand Prix.
Now he’s in “the most important race of his life”! This is going to be a loooong season if we have to deal with constant racing puns.
There’s a sit-down with Sean and Catherine (Season 17) and their son, Sam, for pre-season advice. There’s a long montage of Arie’s Bachelor promotional photo shoot, which is interesting because I looked for those photos, and exactly ONE was released. Cute guy in motion, but the still camera is not his friend. We then see Arie looking hopefully off a balcony at Westlake Village Inn. Do you suppose it’s the same suite they rented for JoJo?
Next we get the “in depth” looks at a few lucky women who will appear this season. Did they put an intern in charge of compiling these montages? Never before have they been so pointless and boring. Here’s who we met:
Single mom Chelsea; Caroline, who is in real estate; photographer Maquel; Nysha, who recently went skydiving, is a nurse and is tiny; Tia, a good friend of Raven’s (Bachelor Season 21); taxidermy-collecting Kendall; Young Bekah, who is a nanny and rock climber; and Marikh, who owns an Indian restaurant with her mother. A mother she doesn’t want anywhere near her makeup or hair. That was the most interesting/shocking/notable takeaway from these montages. When Marikh’s mom goes in for kisses and hugs, Marikh turns her head and backs away because she doesn’t want mom to mess up her face/hair. Not cool. Finally there is Krystal, an online health coach whose brother is homeless. I guess that’s supposed to lay out Kendall as crazy, Tia as the new Raven and Krystal as the one who deserves sympathy? Not an informative segment.
To the Bachelor Mansion! I wonder if they’ve finally purchased that home or are still renting it. (Note to self: research that later.) Arie is greeted by Chris Harrison. Arie is nervous but excited. And then, to be honest, I’m not really sure what happened during the rest of their small talk. Another intern was apparently working the camera on Arie because his face was out of focus. Cut to Chris – in focus. Cut to Arie – out of focus. Fail, guys. Fail.
Cue the limos filled with screaming women.
Limo 1: The first shoe steps out of the limo. And it’s bad. It’s a bad shoe. Sorry, Caroline. Next is Chelsea, who gets a “wow” AND “you’re beautiful” from Arie, who also notes “she’s interesting” as she walks into the house. It seems telling until Kendall walks out and Arie says “you look beautiful,” which is nice because she did a horrible job tying that dress. Also, it looks a lot like one from Amazon that Carry O. wore to my last Halloween Party as Carrie (from Carrie). Seinne gifts Arie with elephant cufflinks for luck while wearing a backless dress with side cut-outs (which is apparently the trend for the evening). Tia gifts Arie with a little wiener and somehow it works, with Arie noting “I like her” as she disappears into the mansion.
After the first limo it’s impossible to tell how many limos come, or how many women are in each limo. So, in order of appearance, we meet Bibiana, killing it in a gorgeous green dress…
Bri, who tosses a ball to Arie and is (inexplicably) “SO impressed” when he catches it. He tells Jenni she’s “very beautiful” and lets Brittane place a Nice Butt bumper sticker on his tuches. Jacquelyn wants Arie to “stand there and look pretty”, which I’d think was a nice turn-about of the general expectation that women are the ones meant to stand still and look pretty except it didn’t come off witty, just annoying.
Then Krystal. Krystal gets the special music, implying she’s someone to watch this season. She’s selling herself every second and her nasal whine is making me cringe. Grudgingly, I admit her dress is great.
Nysha is in a cocktail length dress and Valerie basically just wants to show Arie how great her dress looks in her bright yellow dress.
A brief peek inside and Chelsea is not worried because she doesn’t see anyone as a threat. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve just met our first baddie of the season! Also, foreshadowing.
Bekah skips the limo and drives up in a cool vintage car. If you’re checking your Cheat Sheet, you’ll know that Bekah’s age was notably absent. During her intro to Arie, she admits she’s young (without specifying an age), but Arie just notices that “she is so beautiful.”
What’s that, Chelsea? “That cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch.” Ah, I see. You’ve met your threat.
Arie finds Jenna, on trend with side cutouts, to be “so pretty”. Jessica, who may be wearing the same shoes as Caroline (although somehow they don’t look quite as bad) gifts Arie with a gratitude rock, which he thinks is “cute.” Marikh tries a line about spices and his salt and pepper hair, Olivia‘s entrance lacks anything memorable, and Becca makes Arie get down on one knee and propose to her.
Arie loves the energy of Lauren S., who mixes it up with a dress cutout on the front, while Lauren J. keeps it standard with the side cutouts and gifts the Bachelor with Mardi Gras beads (which she says are from her hometown, except when he – naturally – guesses New Orleans we learn is NOT her hometown). They’re followed by Lauren B. and Lauren G., who are also Laurens. Yeah, sorry, that was all I got from them.
Ashley brings a racing flag, but Brittany T. does her best to speak Arie’s language, stumbling through “you’re handsome” in Dutch. Amber informs Arie that she sees a lot of dicks in her work (that’s not going to end well) and Ali, who seems to be wearing the same dress as Lauren B., asks Arie to sniff her armpit.
Wearing a sparkly eye mask, Annaliese teases that she is the new kissing bandit in this “costume.” Bekah rolls her eyes, as do I, because a mask is not a costume. It’s a mask. Then we hear a loud engine. A race car growls up to the mansion. Any cool points are lost when the driver stays put and it is the passenger that pops out. Yes, she has an impressive shaking of her blond mane after removing the helmet… but she didn’t drive the damn thing. Lame. Oh, that was Maquel, receiving no shortage of glares from the other women who are hovering in the doorway.
With all the women finally inside, there are clips of everyone gushing about how handsome Arie is. Outside, Arie confesses to Chris that he already feels chemistry with a few women. Chris reminds Arie that there will be a First Impression Rose. During this we see a lot of clips of Chelsea. Such subtle foreshadowing on this show. After Arie’s standard opening toast, Chelsea snags him. He describes her as mysterious during their initial encounter, which she says “keeps things interesting”. Maquel interrupts and hovers until Chelsea, grudgingly, departs. Bekah notes that Chelsea has a “vibe” and is already insulting people.
When Jacquelyn asks what makes this Bachelor franchise appearance different, via some therapy-esque questioning, Arie muses that then he was a boy and now he’s a man, and that he hasn’t felt love like he had for Emily since the show. Marikh and Ali each get some face time. Brittany T. pulls Arie outside the mansion where she (a producer) has set up a race between kiddie motorcars, saying if she wins he has to give her a kiss. Arie could have easily won, but he slows down and they cross the finish line at the same time. Then they kiss. Brittany returns to the group and promptly tells everyone about it.
A series of one-on-one time clips show us Kendall singing to Arie, Caroline bringing pizza and Lauren feeding a blindfolded Arie pineapple, which she explains is her safe word. Then Jenna. Jenna wants to give him a pedicure and talks about how “in tune with [her] senses” she is. Arie thinks she’s “all over the place” (because she is) and has no idea what she actually does. Annaliese allows Arie to take off her mask but won’t let him call her Anna (because she’s not a nickname kind of person). While he does manage to tell her how pretty she is, when she asks him a question she cuts him off before he finishes responding, disagrees with him and then launches into something else. Becca has brought cards from her mom, the first of which she opens with Arie.
The First Impression Rose appears.
Chelsea thinks everyone else has had more time with Arie than she has (even though she snagged him before anyone else), so she tracks him down where he’s chatting with Krystal. He’s telling her “you have the most soothing voice,” which makes me wonder if perhaps his hearing is impaired (all those racing car engines, you know) and that nasal sound continues as she whines “byeee”. That crazy fake smile she put on for him never drops, even as he walks away and she sits alone, then stands, just playing to camera. It’s scary. Back to Arie, Chelsea goes in for the kiss. When she returns to the group she announces having talked to him a second time and that she interrupted someone to do it. She does not mention the kiss. People are not impressed.
More one-on-one clips. Jenny gives Arie a framed drawing that she made of him. Tia evokes Raven. Jessica‘s dad knew Arie and, although he passed a few years ago, would “approve” of Jessica and Arie dating. Bekah and Arie sit on the classic car she drove in on and they talk about things that make them excited to be alive. Excitement/adrenaline, pizza/good food, good company for him and Mountains, feeling when you like someone but aren’t sure they like you back, “this” for her. Inside, girls are stressing the First Impression Rose. Guess who gets it?
Arie tells Chelsea, “I want you to open up” and asks if she’ll accept the First Impression Rose. To the camera, she announces “I’m not competitive by nature”. Translation? She is crazy competitive and can’t handle losing.
With that, we head into the first Rose Ceremony.
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Chelsea (First Impression Rose and First Baddie)
Becca K. (seems normal)
Marikh (don’t touch me, mom)
Kendall (taxidermy and tunes)
Lauren G. (a Lauren)
Krystal (Kreepy Smiley Whiney)
Bekah M. (young)
Lauren S. (another Lauren)
Seinne (lucky elephant)
Caroline (bad shoes)
Brittany T. (kiss’n’tell toy cars)
Bibiana (great green dress)
Annaliese (masked interrupter)
Jenna (crazy pants)
Valerie (yellow dress, burgundy hair)
Jacquelyn (played therapist)
Jenny (sketch artist)
Lauren B. (third Lauren)
Ashley (a brunette)
Tia (Raven 2.0)
Maquel (in it to win it)
Sent home during the first Rose Ceremony were Ali, Amber, Bri, Brittane, Jessica, Lauren J., Nysha and Olivia.
Fill out your Bachelor Bracket and bring on Episode 2!