Rachel Lindsay has made her official debut as The Bachelorette and we met all 31 men vying for her heart (or fame), which means it’s time for the Bachelorette Episode 1 Recap! A standard first episode without any real surprises, clearly (hopefully?) the “Most Dramatic” moments are yet to come.
Scratch that – there was one MAJOR difference in this season premiere: minimal time spent going over her stint on last season of The Bachelor. Thank goodness! I’m okay with never seeing Nick again. Ever. We’re reminded that Rachel is a civil litigation trial attorney who has focused on her career rather than romantic relationships. She confesses that she has had trouble opening up in the past and vows not to make that mistake during her time on Bachelorette.
Okay, another big difference: during the obligatory beach scenes Rachel was NOT in a swimsuit. That may be a first, not only for Bachelorette but Bachelor premiers, as well. (Despite my best efforts, I have yet to locate the dress she wore on the beach – if I do find it I’ll update this page.)
Reminder – Rachel was briefly introduced to four of her future suitors during The Bachelor: After the Final Rose. There was Blake E. (nervous), DeMario (tickets to Vegas), Eric (they danced) and Dean (who said he was “ready to go black and… never go back”).
On to the recap:
White college kids and old white ladies love her. And don’t want her sleeping with ANYONE during the show. And then it’s on to special montages for a select few of her suitors-to-be.
Kenny (35) wrestles under the name Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King and has a 10-year old daughter. (Rumor has it that he also works as a Chippendales dancer.) He seems sweet and sincere.
Jack (31) is an attorney in Dallas. His mom died when he was in high school. His teeth are super white, super straight and super huge. And not just a little bit scary.
Alex (28) is a guy that looks like a meathead, but claims to be a dork. His mom doesn’t want him kissing Rachel.
Mohit (26) is a Bollywood dancer. He’s adorable.
Lucas “Whaboom” (30) is essentially a frat boy emulating 1990s Jim Carrey. He refers to himself as charismatic. No-one should ever call themselves charismatic. That’s for other people to decide and say.
Blake E. (31) can’t talk about anything except sex and his penis. So… he probably has a small penis.
Diggy (31) lives in Chicago, has killer style and 575 pairs of sneakers.
Josiah (28) is a prosecutor for the state. His brother committed suicide and the producers/directors think it’s a good idea to have Josiah stand and stare at the tree where HE HAD TO CUT DOWN HIS OWN BROTHER BECAUSE HE’D HUNG HIMSELF. WHAT THE HELL, abc??? Unbelievably exploitative and cruel.
Next up is advice for Rachel. Naturally, she turns to a random assemblage of women against whom she competed during last season.
I’m not certain why these women would be able to provide helpful advice for this situation considering that they’ve only been on the other side, and none of them ended up with the guy they were after, but no matter. Jasmine G., Corinne, SharkGirl, Raven, Kristina and two interchangeable tall, skinny, brunette model types. One of those model types mentions that she knows someone who knows DeMario, and that his intentions may not be pure. Rachel says she’ll keep an open mind (that should go well). Raven says, “Rachel, you just have to let yourself fall,” and everyone starts crying.
And it’s time for the official introductions!
Rachel says “he’s cute” about Peter (30, business owner), entertains Josiah’s legal jokes and tells Bryan (37, chiropractor) “I like trouble.” She seems pleased to meet “Kenny with the dance moves,” and greets Rob (29, law student) without any fanfare.
Iggy (30, consulting firm CEO) arrives while we listen to audio of the first five men talking about how beautiful/smart/fantastic Rachel is. Bryce (30, firefighter) picks her up, Will (28) pulls a Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquell gag, Diggy looks great and Kyle (26, marketing consultant) gives her a basket of buns.
After Rachel meets Blake K. (29, veteran), Brady (29, male model) breaks the ice – literally – with a sledgehammer. Luckily, Rachel “appreciate[s] a corny joke.” Inside, the guys talk about how cool everyone seems, which means things are about to go downhill. And that’s when Dean steps out of the limo. Eric and DeMario follow, making this the limo of men she’s previously met and a male model.
Can someone explain why the word “male” is necessary there? He’s a model. It’s not like you’ll ever hear “Gisele Bündchen, the female model.”
Before the next limo arrives, a marching band troops up the driveway. In the back is Blake E., whose occupation is now listed as “aspiring drummer.” No. You’re either a drummer or you’re not. He’s not winning any points with me.
Back to the limo flow, Fred (27, executive assistant) comes out of Rachel’s past with a yearbook to prove it. She remembers him well but, unfortunately, as a “very bad little kid.” Jonathan (31, tickle monster) tickles Rachel. I don’t even need to comment on that. Lee (30, singer/songwriter) has a guitar, a song, and hair that doubles the length of his head. Alex (28, information systems supervisor) vacuums his way in and Milton (31, hotel recreation supervisor) snaps a polaroid to commemorate the moment.
Adam (26, real estate agent) is accompanied by Adam, Jr. (AJ, Lyon, France). AJ is a doll. It’s weird. Matt (32, construction sales rep) waddles up in his penguin costume while Grant (29, emergency medical physician) blazes up in an ambulance. Anthony (26, education software manager) is committed to understanding Rachel, while Jamey (32, sales account executive) wore a $2,000 suit and thinks his hair and facial features are “perfect” (he says this later in the episode, but it’s virtually ALL I have to say about him). Jack and Mohit are followed by Jedidiah (35, ER physician) and Michael (26, former professional basketball player).
Over footage of everyone inside we hear someone comment that this is “the most diverse” group ever. Why, yes. Yes, it is. We can probably credit that to two key factors. One: the highly publicized (although ultimately dismissed) lawsuit alleging racial discrimination by abc (specifically citing The Bachelor and Bachelorette), and two: the first ever title role NOT filled by a white person. It only took 35 seasons of the show!
Discussion turns to no “crazy” men having shown up. Cue Whaboom. He announces that his testicles are different sizes and pulls out his best Jim Carrey. Inside, we hear (for the second time) that Rachel looks like a Disney princess.
In walks Princess Rachel to tell the guys to “keep it real, keep it one hundred”, have fun, be themselves and have no regrets. Glasses are raised in toast and Josiah swoops right in to pull Rachel away from the group. He thinks that her activity in the community is just one of the many things they have in common.
The one-on-one time continues. Dean wants to build a sand castle, although he doesn’t know how. Rob makes me think of Clark Kent. Anthony’s body posture (leaning very far back, away from Rachel) seems odd. Eric listens intently. There’s a random montage of AJ with voiceover in French and then Matt wants to know whether Rachel prefers Michael (Jackson) or Prince. Adam promises AJ won’t always be around after Rachel deems him creepy.
Rachel tells Fred (who she calls Frederick) that he was a “bad ass kid”, but not in a sexy way. She and Bryan have such an obvious physical attraction that when he says he’s 37 she says “I love that.” And then he eats her face. This is when Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose. Gee, wonder who that will go to…
Josiah tells everyone the rose is his while DeMario begins referring to Rachel as his wife. There’s a sequence of interruptions: Iggy on Jedidiah, Bryce tries to dip Iggy, Lee pops in to pretend he’s also interrupting, Jonathan makes an attempt, all while Josiah tries to coax Mohit (who is completely hammered) to grab some time with Rachel. Mohit, unable to make the move takes a drink from Josiah’s hand. Josiah’s drink. Josiah, straightfaced, “that’s uh, that’s my drink, but you can have some, sure.” And that is the funniest, and best, moment of the entire night.
Peter brought chocolate for Rachel, but it turns out she doesn’t like chocolate. We learn that Little Penis Blake is burning up with hatred for Whaboom. Lee is also irritated by him. Milton spends his time with Rachel purr-growling. She’s not a fan. LP Blake sits down was Whaboom thinking he’s going to take him down. Whaboom is not engaging. In fact, he looks downright uninterested. It makes him seem like a normal, rational human (I don’t expect this to last). Kenny sits down with Rachel and talks about his daughter.
Rachel gives the First Impression Rose to Bryan. There is more face sucking while Mohit, who is watching from nearby, yells “no” and “keep your mouth away!” which is the second best moment of the night. Finally, at what looks like dawn, the Rose Ceremony begins.
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Bryan (Face-Eater) *First Impression Rose
Peter (Has gap-teeth like Rachel)
Will (Steve Urkel)
Jack (Terrifying Teeth)
Jamey (Mr Perfect)
Iggy (Not Diggy)
Eric (Listening Legs)
DeMario (Impure Intentions)
Jonathan (Tickle Monster)
Kenny (Wrestler Dad)
Anthony (Mr. Clean)
Brady (Non-Female Model)
Lee (Douchebag with a guitar)
Diggy (Kevin Durant)
Fred (Bad Ass Kid)
Adam (Guy with Doll)
Blake E. (Little Drummer Dick)
Sent home during the first Rose Ceremony were Rob, Kyle, Blake K, Michael, Jedidiah, Grant, Milton and Mohit.
Based on the previews for the rest of the season, none of the guys I like are getting very far, there’s a lot of travel, Lee tries to start shit with everyone and someone’s got a girl (who is dressing in the 90s) at home. Time to fill out your Bachelorette Bracket and bring on Episode 2!