Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Episode 5 Recap

What’s that? You notice that I’m a whole day and a half late on posting this? Curse you and your observant nature!

It’s true, I’m behind on my Bachelorette Episode 5 Recap, but – to be fair – I’m behind on blogging, in general. Life happens, you know? In the most mundane ways. In trying to explain my absence, I cannot tell you some exciting story or relate comedic hilarities that have recently ensued. It was just a collection of appointments, errands and the all-powerful procrastination.

Also: this season of The Bachelorette just is NOT improving! The new format (is there a rose ceremony this episode? Maybe yes, maybe no) has removed any sense of urgency from watching or recapping. Come on, ABC, the show is ABOUT THE ROSE CEREMONIES. Anywho, in case you didn’t see it (because you didn’t miss it), here’s what happened. More or less.

The episode begins with a continuation of Kaitlyn confronting Clint about his being a dick (a la JJ). Clint puts on his most innocent expression and lies his tail off. She briefly waffles, but moves forward with sending him home. However, instead of allowing him the dignity (arguable) of walking into the night alone, she brings him into the room and tells everyone she’s sending him away. JJ, Clint’s best bro, then does the verbal equivalent of ripping Clint’s heart out of his chest, throwing it on the ground and doing the Pasodoble on top of it.

Clint calls JJ out on his superior douchiness. JJ bursts into tears and then slaps himself across the face. Literally. At this point, no matter how much you hate JJ, you wonder what happened in his childhood and want nothing more than for him to go back to that little boy, with a psychotherapist, and work things out.

JJ learns a lesson

Kaitlyn is shocked that drama has interrupted the evening. Because, you know, that hasn’t been exactly what has happened every evening thus far. She decides to skip the rose ceremony.

A group date where the bachelors must compete in a rap battle is the worst date idea, yet. I feel a bit like Chris Harrison when I say that – the way Chris always says, “in the most DRAMATIC episode EVER…” But it’s true. These dates are actually going downhill. Just when you thought they couldn’t get any more pathetic, they do.

There is nothing of interest regarding any of the “raps.” Trust me.

But – what’s this? Nick Viall has tracked down Kaitlyn – with whom he initiated a social-media-romance prior to the show – and he wants to be on the show!

Kaitlyn wants Nick to stay

Kaitlyn falls for it, but strings him along for a couple days while she “decides” whether or not to let him stay. The other bachelors are not impressed.

Kaitlyn goes to Crazy Ashley (Ashley S. from last season of Bachelor) to have her hair done and get advice on Nick. Ashley S. says that it’s lust. Crazy Ashley just became Smart Ashley. Kaitlyn ignores this and tells Nick she wants him to stay.

Directly following her conversation (and kisses) with Nick, Kaitlyn takes Jared on a one-on-one date. He’s adorable. Still sharp face, slightly improved man scruff, funny and charming.

There’s a group date that is promotion for Broadway’s Aladdin show, and unbelievably boring.

ABC works up to Nick walking into the hotel room where all the other bachelors have been waiting (and drinking)… and cuts out. It’s not even annoying, this time. It’s the new normal. The new normal is boring.

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2 Comments
  • Niki
    June 12, 2015

    I want to punch ABC. Also, I’m laughing because I just texted you about Crazy Ashley before reading your recap. This is why I love you. Also, not sure if I mentioned it but I want to punch ABC.

    • Jeans and a Tank Top
      June 12, 2015

      I wonder the best way to punch an entire network? Would it involve punching all the people making these decisions? Or punching the ABC logo? Perhaps a less literal punch? So many options!

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