Knowing that I’d be drafting a recap of this episode significantly altered my viewing experience of it. I was taking notes and rewinding live TV to make sure I was getting the quotes right. Frankly, it wasn’t as entertaining to be so fully invested. Taking The Bachelor/ette too seriously could seriously damage one’s perception of reality.
Episode 3 begins with Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn summing up Episodes 1 and 2. Summary: she had connections, she kissed multiple bachelors and she intends to continue doing so. There is a shot of the bachelors starting their day with Mimosas. In champagne glasses. It was very girl brunchie and a little odd.
The first date this week is a group date. Cameo appearance by Laila Ali, who “trains” everyone in boxing techniques. Obligatory slow-mo shots of Kaitlyn – with pink boxing gloves, natch – playing with a punching bag. Playing, not working. I don’t believe she absorbed any of Ali’s tips.
Surprise! The guys are going to have to fight each-other for Kaitlyn’s heart!
Kaitlyn says, “I wanted this to be fun, I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” Really? You took a group of guys, who all want to date one girl, suggest they literally fight each other for her, and you think no-one is going to get hurt?
So Jared gets nailed in the nose by Ben Z.
An EMT tells Jared that his reactions are delayed and he needs to go to the emergency room. He reluctantly takes his man-scruff to the hospital, but manages to pull Kaitlyn from part 2 of the boxing date (cocktail attire and cocktails, duh) to tell her that he is “good enough for a kiss.”
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Count: 1
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Jared, Kaitlyn’s take: “fireworks”
Kaitlyn returns to the party, learns that Ben Z.’s mother passed when he was a young teen and kisses him.
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Count: 2
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Ben Z., Kaitlyn’s take: “great match”
Back at the house, JJ starts to be a dick.
Clint gets the first one-on-one date. They have their portrait taken together underwater. Totally phenomenal idea, but Kaitlyn is constantly blowing air out of her nose, which leaves a trail of bubbles in all the images. She and Clint have their first kiss underwater.
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Count: 3
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Ben Z., Kaitlyn’s take: “chemistry connection is there, it’s natural”
Back at the house, JJ is a dick.
Also back at the house, Tony waxes poetic about his feelings on love and The Bachelorette.
“If what you say about Britt, and her being supportive – “
“You said Britt. Say Kaitlyn.”
“Oh, sorry. Yeah, um… uh… yeah, that, that Kaitlyn… um… um… that, that’s, that’s great that… you know, that you’ll… uh, you know, that – just to have this opportunity is a true blessing. Yeah. But, uh… definitely here for her. For her.”
And this is when you start to realize that Tony’s perfect match is Ashley S., from last season. Seriously.
Date three this week is another group date. The guys meet Kaitlyn and Amy Schumer (!!) at a comedy club. Jonathan is wearing awesome red pants. They receive tips from Schumer and her comedianne friends, then each perform in front of a packed house.
JJ tells Amy Schumer that he sometimes he feels like he’s too smart for 90% of the audience. Schumer sums up JJ.
“He’s a sweetheart, just missing charisma, humility and a sense of humor. Maybe when he sees the show he’ll reflect on a little bit of himself and not be such a turd.”
JJ continues to be a dick but goes in for a kiss when he has one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Count: 4
Episode 3 Kiss Partner JJ, Kaitlyn’s take: “thank you for doing that”
Kentucky Joe snags Kaitlyn for one-on-one time and promptly kisses her.
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Count: 5
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Kentucky Joe, Kaitlyn’s take: “it was hooooooot”
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Kentucky Joe, Kentucky Joe’s take: “Well, I’ll be”
JJ is a dick and still ends up getting the date rose.
At the rose ceremony the next evening, the guys – as a group – decide to let the Bachelors who did not attend a date this week to have the first one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. When Kaitlyn enters the room, JJ immediately pulls her away. He describes himself:
“…smugness wrapped inside of cockiness wrapped inside of confidence.”
Viewers collectively begin wishing for his death.
As JJ continues to be a dick with the guys, Ian gets some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn and they kiss.
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Count: 6
Episode 3 Kiss Partner Ian, Kaitlyn’s take: “I can’t figure out what it is, it’s just how he makes me feel”
Back inside, while JJ is being a dick, Kupah worries that he’s only remaining on the show to fill a minority quota, and not because Kaitlyn wants him there. When they get one-on-one time he tries to express this to Kaitlyn. The conversation starts well but goes downhill quickly and Kupah doesn’t seem to notice. (This is where you begin to realize he’s probably pretty dang drunk) He begins telling her how hot and pretty she is while she tries not to completely lose her mind.
After they part, Kaitlyn overhears Kupah discussing their one-on-one time with other bachelors. She doesn’t like the way he’s presenting it and she ushers him out the door. Literally.
He is shocked that she wants him to leave and reminds her that he thinks she’s super-hot. After it finally sets in, Kupah heads out for his final interview with the camera crew. ABC shows a flurry of edits of Angry Kupah, Concerned Kaitlyn and shadowy bodyguards, implying that something is about to go DOWN, and then … TO BE CONTINUED appears on the screen.
And now I need a stiff drink.