Yes. This Recap is way late, I’m still abroad, and you have my apologies for not getting this online sooner. With that out of the way, we jump right into Episode 2.
We begin with JoJo leaning over a balcony, looking thoughtful, paired with her voice-over catching us up to speed. She fell in love with Ben last season, he broke her heart, she became the Bachelorette, she met her suitors last night and she’s hopeful. Yeah, yeah.
Next we have a montage of the suitors back at the mansion. Everyone is hopeful, friendly and positive. They think they’re part of a great group of guys! There are no d-bags! Cut to Chad toasting the group with “f*k you guys.” Cue awkward laughter. In case you missed it during Episode 1, Chad is going to be our resident Asshole.
Chris Harrison shows up, announces that, this week, there will be two group dates and one one-on-one date. He leaves them with the first date card. Evan, trying very hard in his leather bomber jacket, announces that Group Date 1 will include Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells and Robby. As the guys sit together waiting for JoJo to arrive there is a series of loud crashes. WHAT??? Everyone runs outside! There’s a limo in front of the mansion! IT’S ON FIRE!!! OH MY GOD!!!
Well, okay, not that intense. For example, the guys stand at a distance and ogle the explosions while laughing. Seems no-one seriously believed JoJo may have been inside, which was probably the point. Then again, while explosions tend to make for good drama, third-degree burns can be a real turn-off for viewers. But back to suspending rational thought:
Sirens! Thank goodness someone called the fire department! Wait… is that? Is that JoJo being helped out of the Fire Engine? What the – we didn’t see THAT coming! And now she’s handling that big hose all by herself! That’s obviously not sexual innuendo!
These stunts are exhausting. Not for the people involved. For me, watching. Luckily we get a humorous break when Chad uses a weight belt to tie on his suitcase (filled with all his giant protein powders) and do pull-ups. Hello, meathead.
Turns out the guys will be attending an abbreviated fire academy in an attempt to determine who is best equipped to save JoJo from a burning building, which is one of the most important traits in a future spouse. Grant is a firefighter. That seems fair.
During the training period Wells suffers from what is likely dehydration and heat stroke. JoJo sits with him while he recuperates. Back at the house the remaining suitors have written a song for JoJo. The words are “JoJo Jo Jo JoJo.” Chad is not impressed.
Following training, Luke, Grant and Wells are chosen to compete/race for extra time with JoJo. Did I mention Grant is a firefighter? I wonder who will win! So Grant wins. Wells barely made it past the starting gate. Luke is exceptionally devastated. He says, “I come up short to a firefighter at his own game, so I’m frustrated about that.” Really? Shouldn’t you actually have expected that? It’s the man’s job. It’s his life. He’s probably gonna do a better job than, I don’t know, everyone else.
Grant and JoJo spend some extra alone time together and they share their first kiss. Back at the house Brandon reads the next date card. Derek will be going on the one-on-one this week.
JoJo goes back to guys of Group Date 1 and snags Wells.
She flips her hair a lot and he shares photos of his bloodhound, Carl. She tells James F. she was proud of him during the date, she informs Vinny that she’s a joker, she thinks that Evan being a father is “amazing!”, and Robby agrees that marriage would be “cool.” Throughout these interaction Luke stresses out. When he finally spends time with JoJo he divulges that he spent time in the military. He hasn’t been in a relationship, by choice, since 2013, but he feels like he’s ready to “see what’s next.” They kiss on a balcony. A lot. But in the end, Wells gets the Date Rose.
The next morning JoJo picks up Derek for their date.
They are given a series of A or B options which dictate what they end up doing for the date itself. They end up taking a private jet (they chose sky over sea) to San Francisco (north over south) where they have a picnic with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge (chosen over Lombard Street). The clips of conversation that we’re shown are mind-numbingly boring and basically they’re both happy to be on a date in San Francisco. So revelatory.
Back at the mansion Chad discovers a kindred spirit in Daniel and preaches “I always tell girls ‘stay away from the nice guys’… people think I’m an asshole, but in the end, I’m actually nice. It’s the nice guys who are actually the assholes.” Riiiiiight. Wells reads the final date card. Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex and Chad. Chase and others are upset about not going on a date at all this week. Chad tells them to get over it.
Derek and JoJo have changed clothes and head to dinner.
JoJo asks about Derek’s past relationships. He admits that he closed himself off following his last relationship, but he hasn’t talked about it. JoJo then recaps the last season of The Bachelor and says she also closed herself off for a time. Derek relates that his last girlfriend cheated on him. JoJo thinks their tendency to close off after a heartbreak means they have a lot in common. They kiss. I think that this date had the least conversational substance I’ve seen on The Bachelor/ette in quite some time.
Group Date 2 is at ESPN studios. They watch JoJo finish “filming” a segment on Sports Nation. Marcellus and Max (hosts of SportsNation) begin BachelorNation and have the guys compete for Power Rankings.
First the guys perform touchdown dances with a rose. Chad uses the opportunity to pick JoJo up and spin her around. Alex is not happy.
I hate to say it, but Alex is clearly suffering from SMS. While I’m sure he’s generally confident in himself, as a person, he is also clearly infuriated by Chad to a degree which the other guys aren’t feeling. Instead of silently cheering on Chad’s missteps (like the rest of us) Alex is literally cheering them on with fists raised. His excessive glee makes him less attractive.
When the guys have to “propose” to JoJo, Chad refuses to tell JoJo what he loves about her and says that her asking for a more emotional proposal (which is the whole game) is “naggy.” Appropriately, JoJo seems miffed.
A BachelorNation interview segment reveals that every other guy is anti-Chad. Chad takes his turn at the microphones to blast the other guys as liars and suck-ups for telling JoJo that they loved her in the proposal game because they couldn’t possibly love her after only knowing her a few days. JoJo appears somewhat uncomfortable with the tension but also says she appreciates Chad’s honesty. Oh, JoJo. James T. gets top slot in the Power Rankings. Inexplicably (or because, you know: drama) Chad was second in the rankings.
The evening cocktail party takes place at The Houdini Estate.
During some one on one time, James T. busts out a note to “the most special woman in the world.” Or maybe it’s song lyrics, but at least he managed to spend five minutes without picking up his guitar. JoJo cries and they kiss.
Alex and JoJo’s time is spent on a comically large chair that exaggerates his height. Christian pops open a bottle for JoJo. Chad tells JoJo the “naggy” comment was a joke, that he was ribbing her. She says she gets an honest vibe from him, but thinks his macho attitude is overcompensation for something. He hasn’t been in a relationship in four years. Then he discloses that his mother passed away six months ago. Interestingly, this is the first time you can see an actual human emotion cross his face. However, this clearly makes him uncomfortable because he manages to replace it quickly with his standard sneer. They throw a coin in a well and kiss. The Date Rose goes to James T.
On to the Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party!
The guys are hanging out and notice Chad is missing. Chad is outside waiting to snag JoJo before she heads in. Their conversation is basically small talk. Just before they walk in the house, Chad kisses her. He makes a point to walk into the room with JoJo. Verdict? Chad isn’t interested in spending extra time with the girl, he’s performing the human equivalent of a dog marking its territory. Trying to intimidate and infuriate the other guys is not a cool by-product, but his sole intent. It works.
Alex decides that the group should confront Chad. Chad is vague and Alex tries to play lawyer and interrogate. He is unsuccessful. Meanwhile, Chase has coordinated snow (a bubble machine) to share his home (Colorado) with JoJo. Chad eats plate after plate of meat. This makes Alex mad. Will teaches JoJo how to TP a house. Chad tries to interrupt Alex’s time with JoJo. When she asks for another minute, Chad takes about ten steps away, pivots and watches them. Alex thinks this is “straight out of a horror film.” If smoke could come out of his ears, it would. Later, Chad interrupts Evan’s time with JoJo. Evan lets him. Then Evan gets mad at himself for being a pushover and cries a little. Alex decides that he needs to confront Chad. Again. For the third time.
Shockingly, Chad doesn’t take it well. He tells Alex, “F*k you for real… you’re gonna lose your damn teeth.” They then stare intensely at one another. Thankfully, Chris Harrison taps his glass and we move on to the Rose Ceremony.
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Wells (the one who nearly passed out)
Derek (he got the One-on-One date)
James T (guitar)
Alex (short and angry)
Christian (great smile)
Robby (thinks marriage would be “cool”)
Chase (bubble snow)
Jordan (Aaron Rodgers’ little brother)
Ali (which JoJo pronounced correctly this week)
Daniel (Chad’s bromance)
James F (dark hair)
Vinny (was wasted last week)
Evan (bad hair and no self-confidence)
James S., Brandon and Will were sent home.
Then, if you turned off the TV before the credits, you missed Christian stripping down – complete with tear-away pants – and trying to get into a bubble bath with JoJo. She put her feet in the water. Somehow this actually helped him get a rose.
This week’s bracket score: 28. Total bracket score: 28. How did you do on Episode 2?