My intentions were to get this Recap up much sooner. You know, at least before Episode 2. Oops. However, I’ve run into some difficulties while overseas. The first was accessing Episode 1. Since it required streaming, my screen captures are even worse quality than usual – my apologies. The next problem is internet access. I’m started typing this while traveling on a high-speed train across the French countryside and grabbing intermittent bursts of internet access and finished after finally getting solid wi-fi at my current apartment. But enough excuses, let’s get on with it, shall we? .
The first episode of Season 12 of The Bachelorette aired last week and here’s what we know:
- JoJo showed a lot of depth last season, but so far all she can talk about is how hot/attractive/good looking the men are. If a Bachelor had spent as much time going on about appearances as JoJo did, women across the nation would be up in arms about how shallow and disgusting he was.
- JoJo is going to be a sucker for giving second chances.
- Multiple dudes are going to tell JoJo that they love her.
Jumping right in!
There is a quick summary of JoJo’s time on last season of The Bachelor, followed by some shots of her brooding in a park and then the obligatory walk-on-the-beach-in-a-bikini-while-staring-thoughtfully-out-at-the-water.
JoJo meets with former Bachelorettes Kaitlyn, Ali and Desiree for advice (if you have an instant connection with someone, ignore him for a week).
Next we have pre-arrival montages of a select few contenders, of which the following were noteworthy:
Jordan (27, former pro quarterback) played for three different teams in the NFL. We don’t learn which teams, or for how long, or why he retired early because the most important thing to know here is that he is Aaron Rodgers’ (Green Bay Quarterback) little brother. Trust me, it’s all anyone will talk about all season. Also, he wears pants that are as tight as football pants. I get the tight pant trend, but his are beyond!
James (27, Bachelor Superfan) is obsessed with The Bachelor. While the montage is meant to be humorous you feel like it’s hitting a little too close to home and it comes off creepy and needy instead of funny. Also, he uses a Bachelor Bracket other than mine, so he’s clearly not a winner.
Evan (33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist) went from pastor to penis doctor. How does that happen? I want more on that and less of his hair.
Ali (27, bartender) wants to get a house on the beach with his wife, have kids and teach them to surf. I watch my HGTV. He cannot afford a house on the beach with a bartender’s income. A free spirit is great, but it doesn’t pay for a beach house.
Christian (26, telecom consultant) gets up at 3:30am every day. That’s just crazy, people. But that’s not what the producers are selling. Heartbreaker: Christian’s own family (on his father’s side) did not know about his existence for seven years because his father’s dad was a racist asshole. Heartwarmer: Christian now takes care of his two younger brothers, who live with him. This does beg the question: who’s watching his brothers while he’s wooing JoJo? Eh, who cares. Best smile this season.
Luke (31, war veteran) is a country boy. Texan country boy. Who fought in Afghanistan. Can you be any more ‘Merican than that? He’s sort of got a Luke Perry look going on. JoJo is going to fall hard for this one.
JoJo meets Chris Harrison in front of Bachelor Mansion in a stunning gold dress. Hallelujah! Her choice of gown for last season’s finale was a major misstep. Glad to see she’s back on track.
Randi Rahm “Diamond” – Fall 2014 Bridal Collection / similar
Then the limos arrive.
Jordan tells JoJo his parents married after a few months and have been together 36 years. Derek loves JoJo’s sense of self. Grant tells her he’s going to fall in love with her. James F. is here for a rose, not a relationship. Robby brings wine for them to drink straight from the bottle.
Alex is nervous. Will “drops” his flash cards and then “fumbles” his opening speech. Chad grabs both of JoJo’s hands and actually fumbles his words but they have clear chemistry. Daniel is from Canada and blatantly checks out her ass before heading inside. Ali is awestruck and JoJo thinks his name is Ollie. James Taylor plays guitar and sings a song written for JoJo. Jonathan is wearing a kilt and implies he has a large penis.
Cut to activity inside the mansion: Jonathan’s kilt throws everyone off. Daniel is disgusted and says it would be like him taking of his shirt which he would never do. Yeah, that’s totally not foreshadowing.
Saint Nick (Nick B.) is in full Santa costume. Chase is wearing a fake mustache.
We watch clips of Robby talking disparagingly about the other men while barely seeing the introductions between JoJo and Jake, Sal (blue balls), Coley and Brandon (hipster).
More quick cuts between guys inside talking about other guys (Daniel thinks this would be paradise if he were gay, Chad thinks everyone else belongs on the D-List) and the introductions between JoJo and James S. (supernervous superfan), Nick S. (splits), Vinny (toasted bread), Peter (stuffed heart) and Evan.
Wells brings All 4 One to sing their 1994 hit, I swear. Christian arrives on motorcycle. Luke comes in with a unicorn (a horse wearing a gold horn) and background music implying he might just be The One.
JoJo goes into the house and welcomes the guys by telling them they’re hot. Alex snags her immediately after the first group toast. Chad decides Alex is a douchebag. Alex awkwardly goes into push-ups and invites JoJo to sit on his butt while he does them. Chad thinks Alex looks stupid. Derek confesses to JoJo that he’s a nerd and used to look like Harry Potter.
The guys are all very nervous, which makes JoJo nervous that she won’t feel an instant connection with anyone. Then she has one-on-one time with Jordan. Their conversation seems to flow easily and she’s soon rubbing his chest. To his credit, when she asks what he does he leads with his current position instead of trying to immediately impress her with the NFL player angle. He walks away regretting not having tried to kiss her.
Will uses a 1980 paper fortune-teller to try to make JoJo kiss him. Awkward, creepy and total fail. Luckily Jordan swoops in to save JoJo from the discomfort. They kiss and it is not awkward.
Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose. The men panic. Chad wishes everyone would shut up.
All 4 One stands behind the couch and sings during Wells and JoJo’s one-on-one time. Chad says he’s here because he’s emotionally and financially ready to meet someone. JoJo is smitten. Daniel and JoJo’s conversation is stinted. He asks if she’s seen a particular viral video. She says no and things go even further south.
Daniel is super drunk. He attempts to poke Evan’s belly button and then strips down to his underwear. And then he goes in the pool.
Nick S. is super drunk. He interrupts JoJo’s private interview. They get interrupted by Vinny, who is also super drunk. Vinny tells JoJo he will never let her beg for his love on a bathroom floor. JoJo says if they guys continue to be hammered, they’re out.
Ali/Ollie plays Fur Elise for JoJo. My friend Carrie informs me that he only played the easy part, the part everyone learned in 8th grade, and that I should not be impressed. Saint Nick takes off his santa beard just long enough for JoJo to see his face. James Taylor and JoJo’s one-on-one time is filled with Aw, Shucks moments on his behalf and reassurances by JoJo. Luke gifts JoJo with cowboy boots. She is clearly attracted to him.
JoJo gives the First Impression Rose to Jordan and Chris Harrison breaks up the party.
Just before JoJo gives out the first Rose of the Rose Ceremony, Jake Pavelka walks in. Apparently he’s a long-time family friend, but let’s be honest. The guy just has nothing else going on and he’s still trying to work that Bachelor fame angle. It’s played up as though he might tell JoJo he’s in love with her, but really he’s just there to say good luck and give advice. Advice? Really? I mean, he chose Vienna. How well did that work out? Waste of my time, Bachelor producers!
Finally JoJo gives out roses.
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Jordan (Aaron Rodgers’ brother)
Wells (brought All 4 One)
James Taylor (Aw Shucks Texan with a guitar)
Derek (Harry Potter)
Christian (takes care of his brothers)
Chad (Slimy Asshat)
Chase (looks a lot like Chad)
Alex (US Marine)
Robby (looks like Chad and Chase)
James F (seems rational)
Nick B. (Saint Nick)
Will (relying on bad gimicks)
James S (Superfan)
Vinny (Drunk Dude #2)
Evan (Erectile Dysfunction specialist with bad hair)
Daniel (Drunk Dude #1)
Sent home during the first Rose Ceremony were Coley, Jake, Jon, Peter and Sal.
Based on the previews for the rest of the season, we can look forward to Jordan getting some serious shade from the other guys in the house, accusations of Robby having a secret girlfriend at home and Chad going from typical douchebag asshat to raging asshole with violent tendencies.
Bring on Episode 2!