If you’re new to the Jeans & a Tank Top Bachelor/ette Recaps, welcome! If you’re a returning reader, good to see you again and thanks for coming back despite a spotty (sometimes non-existent) record the last few seasons! With that, let’s get right into the Bachelorette Episode 1 Recap!
Becca’s word of the day is: blindsided.
In case you missed it (and I did, albeit voluntarily) Bachelor Arie Luyendyk, Jr. gave his final rose to Becca, got down on one knee and proposed. She said yes. And then he decided he wanted to get back together with Runner-Up Lauren. So he started talking to her behind Becca’s back, then blindsided Becca by telling her he wanted to see if things could work out with Lauren, all while allowing Bachelor/ette cameras to film the shittiest about-face since Jason Mesnick flipped on Melissa Rycroft (Bachelor Season 13). Anywho, this is rehashed for the premiere episode and we’re forced to watch clips of a crying, blindsided Becca.
But then she gets to be the Bachelorette and drive an exotic rental car and live in the mansion!
Like every other premiere, the current Bachelor/ette sits down with previous Bachelor/ettes (Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel) for some sage advice.
IRO Ashville Leather Jacket in Pink Sand / similar
LoveShackFancy Popover Dress in Ocean / similar / similar
ShoeDazzle Paloma Open Toe Heeled Sandal in Taupe / similar / similar
The Woods Rectangular Pave Diamond Earrings / similar
JoJo predicts that whoever receives the First Impression Rose AND gets a kiss on night one will be the last man standing. Then they set off the fire alarm trying to smudge the house with sage.
Next up are the standard “in depth” looks at a few of the men appearing this season. Slightly less cheesy than previous seasons, but even less informative, we learn that Clay is a sweetheart NFL player; Garrett is obnoxiously goofy and a fly fisherman from Reno; Jordan is a model hamming up the vapid male model stereotype; Lincoln is originally from Nigeria and now lives in LA; Joe owns a grocery store on the south side of Chicago and apparently actually sounds like every overdone “Chicago” accent you’ve heard on SNL; Jean Blanc is an aficionado of cologne, ties and watches (which makes me imagine you can smell him before he comes in the room); and Colton is a retired NFL player who started a non-profit organization benefiting Cystic Fibrosis support and research.
Becca meets Chris Harrison at the Bachelor/ette mansion. (Hmm… last season I pondered whether the franchise finally purchased that home or were still renting it. Clearly forgot to follow up on that research because I still don’t know the answer.) Small chat, yes she’s nervous but she’s more hopeful… yeah yeah, we’ve heard all this before.
Randi Rahm Winter 2017 Bridal Gown – available at Randi Rahm Ateliers NY, Houston / similar
emerald and diamond earrings – unknown / similar / similar
Dena Kemp two finger ring / similar
Dena Kemp cocktail ring / similar / similar
Stiletto strappy sandals – exact unknown / dead ringer / dead ringer / similar
Cue the limos and a series of generally unexceptional introductions.
Colton brings confetti poppers, she says “oh my god, he’s handsome!” After Grant, Clay is nervous with his football themed lines, but Becca isn’t thrown and says “he’s so nervous, I get it.” Jean Blanc uses her own words about doing the damn thing (which would be groan-worthy, but he does it in French) and gives her a slightly lascivious up-and-down. As he walks away she says “he smelled so good” and I forgive him for being a colognoisseur. Connor also uses “let’s do the damn thing”, but only in English (groan).
Joe forgets everything he was going to say, John‘s grandmother taught him that love can happen overnight, Leo takes down his man-bun to reveal a full-on Kenny G hair situation. Model Jordan is already having a great time. After Rickey heads inside Alex shows up in, and quickly removes, a racing suit.
This is the point where we get a quick peek inside, to see who is already starting to lose their shit. Turns out that when I thought Jordan was ACTING like a self-absorbed cliche of a male model… he wasn’t acting. He talks – at length – about what he’s wearing and explains that fashion is “what [he’s] all about and what makes [him] unique.”
Back outside, Mike brings life-size cutout of Arie (horrible idea), before Garrett arrives in a minivan (filled with a diaper bag, soccer balls and a child seat). Somehow, this impresses Becca. Then the men that she (apparently) met on After the Final Rose arrive. Blake rides up on an ox (“oh my god, what a cutie”) and Lincoln shares some birthday cake. Chase tells Becca that “it’s all about the chase”, which is basically saying “it’s all about me”, which: no. No, it’s not. Then Darius and Ryan have utterly forgettable introductions. Or I was checking the Rockets-Warriors score.
Then Christon steps out of a limo and OHMYGODTHATMANISDROPDEADGORGEOUS. Seriously. Wills confesses to being a closet nerd and Jason wants to do a special handshake that is not special at all. Kamil asks Becca to walk towards him then says he thinks it’s important to meet halfway (good). Then he backs up and asks Becca to come further and suggests 60-40 (NOT good). She tells him HE can come closer for 60-40 to her advantage (damn straight). She’s surprised (“so weird) to see Jake, who she apparently has met multiple times in Minneapolis through mutual friends.
Trent pops out of a hearse because he “literally died” when he found out she was the Bachelorette. Christian spins her around so he can check her out. Not sure how she felt about it but I was not impressed. David arrives in a chicken suit and Chris plans to win over her uncle Gary with the gospel choir that clown-cars out of the limo.
Becca heads into the mansion and says she’s looking for a husband, a partner and a teammate in life. Before the champagne glasses even come down from the toast Connor has pulled her aside for one-on-one time. He promptly sabers a bottle of champagne – cleanly, which is impressive. But then, as Becca lifts her glass toward him he lifts the bottle and takes the first drink – which is rude and not impressive.
Sweetheart Clay suggests they craft Play-Doh while they connect on being from the Midwest and growing up in small towns. He confesses that Becca was his favorite girl from the whole previous season of Bachelor. John says he made the app for Venmo (fact check: he was a part of Venmo and likely did work on the original app, but to say he was the sole creator of Venmo would be incorrect). Beautiful Christon shows her some Harlem Globetrotter tricks, including a leaping dunk OVER a standing Becca.
Rickey teaches Becca to dance and Jean Blanc gifts her a candle with a poem engraved on its lid. Becca wants to know everything about Blake, who was recently in a serious relationship that ended abruptly (can we say blindsided?) and then says something Becca has also said to friends, “if I could love the wrong person this much, imagine how much I could love the right person.” She says they’re on the same page and that they “get each other.”
Becca’s next gift, from Lincoln, is a bracelet from his “homeland”. I’m going to assume that’s Nigeria and not LA, although it wasn’t actually specified. She and David do the chicken dance.
Back in the main room, Jordan announces he has a game plan. Someone asks “What’s your plan?” and Jordan responds, “For what?” Sitcom writers should take notes from this guy.
Garrett gives Becca some fly fishing tips, which reminds her of home. She thinks her family would love him.
It turns out that Chris actually knows of Chase. They’re both from the Orlando area and Chris is friends with an ex of Chase’s. The ex texted Chris AS Chase was meeting Becca on ATFR to say the he was there for the wrong reasons, he spends all his time hanging with his boys and just wants to revamp his marketing business. Chris decides this is important to address on Night One and tracks down Chase to talk about it.
Chase starts out saying the ex is a great girl, but then clarifies he only knew her for a month. Then alleges it was only like two weeks. Then finishes with “girls, man.” Uh… no. No, bro. He decides he wants to “get ahead of it.” You know when celebrities use that phrase? When the thing that is about to come out is bad publicity… but also generally true. It’s spin of a situation, not addressing an untruth.
Chase’s assertions to Becca include “I don’t know what the text was, but I’m not that guy” (I don’t know what they said I did, but I definitely didn’t do it). “We were just dating” (if I treated her badly that’s okay because it wasn’t serious). “This was two years ago” (just because I was a jerk two years ago doesn’t mean I’m a jerk now). “If anything, I thought it would be one of my two exes.” (there are at least two other women who have bad things to say about me and I WAS serious with them). Becca’s not buying it.
Becca decides to take the drama and run with it, pulling Jake aside. She points out that they’ve met multiple times and neither of them showed any interest before so his appearance on the show is suspect. He insists he only remembers meeting her once and if he met her before, that was a different Jake. Like with Chase’s lame defense, Becca remains umoved and sends him home.
The First Impression Rose appears. Becca pulls Garrett aside to give him the rose. They lean in to hug and he sort of goes for the kiss but she doesn’t, then she sort of goes for the kiss and he doesn’t, then they finally kiss. Everyone is now wondering if JoJo is right. Is Garrett… The One?
And, with no further drama, we head into the first Rose Ceremony.
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Lincoln (great accent and a bracelet)
Blake (blindsided buddy on an ox)
Rickey (a guy that’s there)
Jean Blanc (colognoisseur)
Christon (drop dead gorgeous)
Clay (sweetheart football player)
Wills (closet nerd)
Connor (another guy that’s there)
Jason (stupid handshake)
Ryan (a third guy that’s there)
Alex (not a racecar driver)
Nick (apparently I totally missed his entrance, but he was funny later)
Colton (the other football player)
David (chicken suit)
Jordan (actually that clueless)
Leo (Kenny G)
Mike (brought Arie)
Chris (called out Chase)
Sent home during the first Rose Ceremony were Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Jake (earlier), Joe and Kamil.
Fill out your Bachelorette Bracket and bring on Episode 2!