Bachelor Women Accuse All (Recap)

While I’ve admitted to being a longtime watcher of The Bachelor, it has never been my intention to create a post dedicated entirely to rehashing an episode.

And then Bachelor Women Tell All (Season 19) aired last night.

SO MANY EMOTIONS! Mine, not the women on the show. For the most part, they were all singing the same angry song, performed in martyr style.

First, let’s touch on the viewing parties that Chris Soules and Chris Harrison “surprise.” I’ve already disclosed that my friends and I have a Girls Night every Monday for Bachelor (or Bachelorette, as season dictates), but our parties don’t quite look like those shown last night. Drinking, yes. Fabulous spreads of food, yes. Screaming? Not so much.Bachelor Viewing Party Drunk Excitement.png Also, should we ever be surprised by a Bachelor and Chris Harrison, if it’s after week three, we’ll already be completely over the Bachelor. I will, however, be jumping up and down and going bonkers over Chris Harrison. I want to be Chris Harrison. That’s my next dream job. Moving on…

So Chris announces that this has been the most shocking season ever (shockingly) and introduces the Drama Montage, complete with an in-screen live view of the womens’ reactions as they watch said montage. And Britt begins her act by making a crying face. Britt's Crying FaceShe does this regularly throughout the entire episode. On a few occasions she is able to muster up some actual tears, but usually it’s just the face. The moment that Chris allows the women to speak Britt starts in on Carly, essentially setting the scene for the rest of the episode. That will make two hours of Britt blaming Carly. Awesome.

Britt briefly moves the blame to editing, complaining that things the women said, while in the house, were unfairly juxtaposed against her own words. Specifically, she talks about being unfairly painted as “not wanting to have children.” She attempts to disprove this by talking about all the children she has worked with. Dude. You can love kids all day long, but that doesn’t mean you’re ready, or want, to have your own. Instead of admitting the words that came out of her own mouth, she attempts to create a backstory that might explain what she may have said, which was definitely misunderstood by everyone else.

A production assistant has to ask Britt to leave the stage. And that says everything.

The next audition interview is with Kelsey. She mentions having the skills to be a good wife. My friends and I are curious – what skills make one a good wife? Then, the best (and most telling) bit. She asks Chris Harrison for a tissue. He offers the handkerchief from his suit. She tells him he’s so sweet (even though, technically, she asked for it, what’s he going to do, say no?), then asks if he’s sure, noting that it’s silk. WHY IS SHE TALKING ABOUT THE FABRIC OF HIS HANDKERCHIEF??? Chris gives her the handkerchief. After her nose blow, what other option does he have? Kelsey and the handkerchief

Kelsey implies that the other girls may not like her because she “uses big words.” Friends, that’s just a passive aggressive way of Kelsey saying she thinks she’s more intelligent than they are, and that they dislike her for it. Classy. When Chris asks if Kelsey has any questions for the women, my friend Emily and I both call out “forgiveness,” before Kelsey does, in fact, ask them for forgiveness. Hm. Apparently we got an advance copy of her script.

As for her much-maligned statement that her story is “amazing,” she attempts to specify the word amazing was in reference to falling in love, and then healing after his death. While I am NOT diminishing her loss, she is not the first person to lose a spouse. Not even on this show! The way she speaks about herself shows a narcissism that no amount of tears, or “big words” can hide.

Anna Kendrick may have said it best.

Anna Kendrick Victim Act Tweet

(Also, Kelsey is a guidance counselor – does that terrify anyone else?)

Ashley S. – the crazy one – is next. Despite the contention of myself and my friends, up until the Tell All show, that she was either legitimately cray, or on some serious drugs… we kind-of love her, now. Not in an effort to explain, but simply off the cuff, Ashley tells Chris, “I was so bored, honestly.” And that does explain it all! Is she quirky? Hell, yes. But possibly much smarter than we’ve given her credit for.

Ashley S. Pomegranate Quote.png

Jade and Kaitlyn follow. Unfortunately, coming after two Drama Queens and a Crazy, they both sort of get lost. Jade seems to be a truly genuine, sweet person.  Jade gets my vote for the next Bachelorette. That said, it’s unlikely ABC will want to align themselves with an ex-Playboy model. Kaitlyn is (apparently) the fan favorite to be the next Bachelorette.

Chris Soules comes out and Britt starts crying. She asks to come on stage and Chris goes to hug her. Britt clutches him like he may be the last man on Earth. It’s not pretty. In her first sentence she brings Carly into the conversation, and goes on to directly blame Carly for Chris sending Britt home. Chris makes a point of stating that Carly had nothing to do with Britt’s departure.  *sound of Britt’s claims deflating*

Kaitlyn demands to know why Chris “made [her] stand through the rose ceremony.” Um, she does know how the show works, right? That’s what happens. There is a rose ceremony. There are less roses than women. Someone doesn’t get a rose. Then that woman goes home.

Jade sits down to talk to Chris Soules. It was upsetting, to be honest. Her questions are legitimate and from a place of pain, and watching them have the conversation feels uncomfortable. YES, the whole show is intended to break in on the privacy of these relationships, but it’s so much tougher when you like the person and believe their emotions are genuine. Also, this is the first time Chris appears to be fully involved in the interaction, not just paying lip service to a scorned woman.

Bloopers! Best part of the show every time. Maybe skip an hour of women bitching and fill that up with bloopers, next time.

Ashley I Spits Champagne

And then Chris Harrison announces he has written a romance novel, The Perfect Letter. On the cover is a woman with a straw hat, sundress and blond hair blowing in the breeze. My estimation of Chris Harrison is compromised.

As Chris Harrison sends us off into the night, it looks like Chris Soules hugs Carly first. Good choice, since Carly is a heck of a lot more authentic then the series of actresses that have cried all night.

The real disappointment of Women Tell All? I was hoping for a lot more Tara. Luckily, a few of her expressions were captured for effect. Tara in Disbelief

I have a sneaking suspicion she’s a prime candidate for Bachelor in Paradise, which I don’t support.

To sum up:

Angry manipulative drama queens cry and blame other women.

Crazy girl might just be playing us all.

Some sad, low-key talking.

Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel and I’m disturbed by it.

The End.


1 Comment
  • Stephanie Smallsen
    March 3, 2015

    Is there like a Napoleon Dynamite meme out there that lists the type of skills for a good housewife that Kelsey saw and was like YES THATS ME! I also noticed she was a guidance counselor last night and didn’t clue in previously. Like who the fuck does she guide? I sense her kiddies hashtagging #careerfail down the road. So Tara, Jordan and Ashley S better all be on the next bachelor pad. Because they are all some sort of a hot mess (not like a pyscho mental one like Kelsey though) and I wanna see if they can redeem themselves, or just go even more cray next round.

Let me know your thoughts on this

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