Bachelor Nick: Episode 1 Recap

If you’re new to the Jeans & a Tank Top Bachelor/ette Recaps, welcome! If you’re a returning reader, good to see you again! In an unexpected coincidence, the beginning of The Bachelor Season 21 (like Season 12 of The Bachelorette) coincided with me heading out of the country. Despite what I learned last season about attempting to keep up while wandering through Europe, for some reason it didn’t occur to me I might have the same difficulties in Mexico. I’m now attempting to get all the Episode 1 and Bracket necessities out of the way before Episode 2 begins.

Necessity Number One: Bachelor Episode 1 Recap (Fashion details unavailable at this time, post to be updated with any fashion finds at a later date)

Jumping right in!

Nick Viall. Nick, Nick, Nick. Nick who has appeared on two previous seasons of The Bachelorette, landing the infamous runner-up spot both times, and neither time was Bachelor Nation upset. Because he was kind-of a raging douchebag during both seasons. Following that, he took his talents (ha ha ha ha ha – I’m kidding) to Bachelor in Paradise (BIP). I didn’t watch, but apparently some people believe he became a different man and suddenly, somehow, appealing. So Bachelor/ette producers made their worst next-pick misstep since starting a single season with two Bachelorettes (Season 11, Kaitlyn and Britt). They picked Nick as the next Bachelor. We must now suffer through a season of women throwing themselves at a dude that we used to (and maybe still do) despise.

Producers thought the best way to clean Nick up was by putting him in a shower. While they filmed him. Nope. Not helping. Neither does mentioning that it’s only been two years since he fell in love with Andi. But probably only about a year since he fell in love with Kaitlyn. And, hell, probably only about twenty minutes since he fell in love with whoever was handy in Paradise.

We’re shown footage of his many many siblings in Waukesha. He talks about relying on his siblings for advice. There’s a saccharine clip of youngest sister Bella. The family angle is probably intended to show how endearing he is. I’m not falling for it.

Then he says, “I’m gonna give America a happy ending.”

And we’re supposed to believe he’s not a douchebag anymore? Because… um… no.

Next we have the requisite meeting with previous Bachelors under the guise of sage advice. Ben Higgins (still engaged), Sean Lowe (still married) and Farmer Chris (still glaringly single) are on hand. Sean Lowe states what we’re all thinking – that a lot of people see him as a giant toolbag. Nick says that, through the show(s), he’s learned a lot about himself and how actions effect not only you but other people. Which is cool, but most people are able to figure that out sans multiple stints on reality television shows. Ben thinks Nick’s history (baggage) means that Nick’s (assumed) proposal will also mean asking girl to forgive him for aaallll those mistakes he made in his life (Ben’s emphasis, not mine).

Nick suits up and a longstanding suspicion of mine is confirmed: Viall IS pronounced like vile! Thank you, Chris Harrison.

Let’s get to know some of the women who will be vying for Nick’s, I don’t know, heart?

Rachel, an attorney from Dallas likes to dance with her vacuum and is ready for kids. Danielle L., 27, owns two nail salons and believes that Nick’s repeated appearances on Bachelor shows (somehow) that he’s truly looking for a life partner. Vanessa from Montreal speaks multiple languages, is a special education teacher who was “meant” to be a mother. Josephine, 24, is a nursing student in San Diego and has a cat. That she meows at. Raven, 25, is from Hoxie, Arkansas, and runs a fashion boutique. Corinne, 24, from Miami says her life is glamorous. How glamorous? She has a nanny. For children? No, for herself. Alexis, 23, is so obsessed with dolphins that her sisters feel like they need to tell her NOT to make dolphin noises when she meets Nick. Danielle M., 30, is a neonatal intensive-care nurse and thinks Nick has a strong confidence (some people might call that cockiness). Taylor from Seattle, 23, is a mental health counselor who believes her masters degree and work in relationships allows her to understand Nick. Liz, 29, met Nick at a BIP wedding less than a year ago. She admits they spent the night together, but avoids specifying whether sex was involved. Either way, he asked for her number and she refused to give it to him.

Back to Nick. He says he’s looking for the one he “can’t let go.” I think his record with Andi and Kaitlyn fly against the claim that he’s the one letting people go. Details, details.

And now, Nick meets the women.

Limo 1: Danielle L. in a dress that dips below her navel gets a “wow” from Nick. Elizabeth appears in something that could well be a wedding dress. Nick tells her she’s “lookin good”. Rachel, in red, receives “you look great”. Christen is wearing bright yellow, flings a fan, and finds Nick to be taller than she thought. Taylor, in red, has friends who think he’s a complete piece of shit but she doesn’t believe them. She gets a “see you inside”.

Limo 2: Kristina arrives. I have nothing about Kristina. Angela is in red. That makes three ladies in red. Lauren plays on their last names (hers is Hussy) to decide that together they make a disgusting slut. Michelle says something about making lemonade. Dominique thinks Nick’s 4th time will be a charm.

Limo 3: Ida Marie receives a major up and down eye-groping by him then trust-falls into his arm. Olivia offers an eskimo kiss, but I just want to know if that’s real fur. Sarah insists Nick isn’t a runner up to her. Jasmine G. shows up with Neil Lane and several engagement rings. Hailey, red again, advises that she’s not wearing underwear, which Nick is “very excited” about. She explains to the camera that he’s sexual person so she wants to discuss his past relationships that haven’t gone well. This neither makes sense, nor does it sound like a good idea.

Limo 4: Astrid tells Nick, in German, that her breasts are real. Liz tells him she’s looking forward to getting to know him better, and doesn’t think he knows who she is. There is dramatic music over Nick looking perplexed and confused, then telling Chris Harrison that he’s 99% certain he met her at the afore-mentioned BIP wedding. Corinne, in wine red, gets special music hinting she might be The One. She gives him a hug, he thinks “she’s cute.” Vanessa speaks French and receives “you are… wow”. Danielle M. offers dad’s maple syrup off her finger and they each claim to make great French toast.

Limo 5: Raven gets Nick to perform spirit fingers and squeal. Jaimi shows off her barbell nose-ring. Briana comes in with a stethoscope. Susannah, wearing another dark red dress, gives Nick a beard massage. Josephine – dark red! – tells him he’s a wiener in her book and then forces him to Lady & the Tramp an uncooked hot dog.

Limo 6: Brittany, also in red, wants to give Nick a physical. Jasmine B. is in red. Whitney is in red. Lacy arrives on a camel, because she knows Nick likes a good hump, wearing red. Alexis shows up in a shark costume and tells him she “dolphinately” wants to talk more inside. But wait, why a dolphin pun with a shark suit? Quick montage of Alexis stating she’s  a dolphin. And making dolphin noises. And insisting it’s a dolphin costume. And dancing.

The girls gush about him and it’s boring. Taylor meows. Liz thinks their previous chemistry gives her an advantage (which is weird, since she doesn’t think he even remembers her, let alone their chemistry). The couches are aqua this season and I don’t like it.

Nick addresses the group to announce he’s looking for a strong personality. Someone who feels empowered and will truly be his partner. He wants everyone to feel as empowered as possible throughout the process. Christen got chills and thought it was empowering.

Nick’s first one-on-one time goes to Rachel. They connect over Milwaukee (where she lived during law school). Also, he has lots of siblings and so do her parents. Nick thinks she’s the type of woman he could see himself with. Christen gives him a dance lesson on the driveway. When he sits down with Danielle L. he compliments her “killer dress” while starting at her chest. Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose to amp up the anxiety (and drinking). Corinne gives him a bag of tokens for unspecified favors going forward. Vanessa reveals that although a friend submitted her application to The Bachelor, she hoped it would be Nick. Then Corinne interrupts. After sneaking Nick away, Corinne goes in for the kiss. Despite the fact that he later tells the camera he didn’t feel totally comfortable, his lips, during the kiss, say otherwise.

A short while later, Corinne asks Sarah whether she’ll kiss Nick tonight, which is essentially her begging to be asked in return so that she can gloat about it. Sarah doesn’t ask. Jasmine G. cries because she hasn’t been able to talk to Nick. Another montage of Dolphin-Shark. Dolphin-shark wading in the water, doing a dolphin call. When Nick tells her it’s a shark costume, she tells him he’s smooth, but insists it’s a dolphin costume. (Nope, it’s a shark.)

Nick tracks down Liz (who suddenly admits to the camera that they had sex). Despite the fact that she blew him off after their night together, and that she has made absolutely no attempts to get in touch with him in the nine months since that time, she claims she’s not just there because he’s now The Bachelor. While he remembers being intrigued by her, he’s skeptical (rightly so) of her motives.

He and Danielle M. seem to hit it off. Nick gives the First Impression Rose goes to Rachel and they kiss. But a sweet kiss, not a suck-your-face kiss like he had with Corinne. At this point, Kristina is crying. Hailey says that if she doesn’t receive a rose she’ll feel disappointed in herself. To the camera, Liz wonders if he’ll want to get to know her, or base everything off something that happened 9 months ago. Which sort of ignores the fact that she actively avoided him for 9 months. And after what seems like much more than two hours of television, the very first Rose Ceremony begins.

Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Rachel (First Impression Rose)
Vanessa (makes me think of Shannon Elizabeth)
Danielle L (there’s something Kardashiany about her)
Christin (bright yellow dress)
Astrid (real German breasts)
Corinne (wants to win)
Elizabeth W. (wedding dress)
Jasmine G. (brought Neil Lane then cried)
Raven (faith, family and spirit fingers)
Kristina (insecure)
Danielle M. (sweet nurse)
Sarah (makes me think of Sarah Hyland)
Josephine (looks better with less makeup and hair volume)
Lacey (her intro seemed sexual, but then she seemed sweet)
Taylor (I’m calling it – Crazy Pants)
Alexis (shark not a dolphin)
Hailey (Crazy Pants in Waiting)
Whitney (forgettable)
Dominique (forgettable)
Jaimi (nose ring)
Brittany (forgettable)
Liz (more calculating than crazy)

Sent home during the first Rose Ceremony were Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B., Lauren, Michelle, Olivia and Susannah.

Based on the previews for the rest of the season, we can look forward to Corinne shamelessly using her body as bait, Finland and Nick f*ing up, yet again.

Fill out your Bachelor Bracket and bring on Episode 2!

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