Episode 3 and still not sure how I feel about this season of The Bachelor. Colton’s appealing enough. There are a few women who I’m sort-of pulling for. But the villains are, as usual, over-the-top in their villainy, which is more irritating than entertaining. And mostly I want more humor. There’s a guy dating over a dozen women. Nearly twenty women living under one roof. There HAVE to be more naturally humorous moments! Perhaps it’s time for a strongly worded letter to the producers. In the meantime, your Bachelor Colton Episode 3 Recap (and fashion).
We begin with Sydney announcing she hopes the drama is over. HA! Sydney, have you really no idea how this works? As the group awaits the first date card we see that Demi has completely missed the retro/vintage 70s look with her eyeglasses and gone to 1978 grandma frames. I confess, I take joy at her fashion failure.
Group date number one this week sees Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy, Demi and Caelynn heading to Pirate’s Dinner Adventure. The announcers tell us that Captain Colton is the World’s Greatest Treasure! He’s also the World’s Worst Actor.
Regular pirate performers Chris and Cindy teach the women to be stage pirates, narrowing it down to two lucky ladies who will compete, during an evening performance, for Colton. Demi tells us that the job of a pirate is to steal. That is also the job of an embezzler. I’m just saying. Hannah B., unable to hide her disdain for Caelynn, explains that she didn’t come to Bachelor to compete in another pageant. I mean… there are the evening gowns, swimsuits, interviews and a large number of women being judged by a man…
Caelynn and Tracy win the chance to fight for Colton. Caelynn perseveres and shares an awkward kiss with Colton in the crow’s nest. Naturally, Hannah B. is losing her shit. She decides Colton needs to know the “truth” about Caelynn. This should go well.
The group heads to Big Daddy’s Antiques, Inc., for the usual cocktails and one-on-one conversations. Colton tells Katie he likes how real she keeps it. Once again, their conversation seems comfortable and effortless. When “top 5” comes up, they both say sushi. He tells her “I like you”, which seems super sweet.
Demi, talking at the group of women, sans Colton, is babbling about his type. Tracy hypothesizes that people stop seeking “types” as they mature. Demi takes it personally and tells Tracy she “can’t imagine” being an older girl surrounded by younger women, how uncomfortable she’d feel. In fact, she’d be pissed. She tells Tracy: “I feel so bad for you.” Despite talking big, she’s clearly feeling vulnerable because she decides to interrupt Colton-Courtney time to tell him: “Every time I smell you, I’m like mmmm, do you know what I mean?” No. No-one knows what you mean. Because that means nothing.
Demi blindfolds Colton and taps his butt with the wimpiest, most pathetic “paddling” ever before groping his crotch with a mannequin hand. Totally mature. Courtney, not kosher with the interruption, pulls Demi aside, telling her “your delivery can be a little different than you’d like it to be”, and to be more aware. Totally grown up-Demi doesn’t even pretend to take it in, saying “none of the girls have the balls to maintain a problem with me.” Or perhaps they’re just not interested in the high school catfights.
Colton tells Caelynn “I like you”, which makes his telling that to Katie earlier a lot less sweet.
Hannah B. tells Heather that Caelynn is a different girl from the one she used to be friends with. Heather, in the worst advice ever, encourages her to tell Colton. So Hannah tells him that she and Caelynn were good friends, had a fallout and haven’t talked since (which is what generally happens after a fallout). She describes it as the most hostile situation she’s ever been in, but declines to verbally confirm whether Caelynn is mean or fake, instead saying “if that’s what you want, then you don’t want me.” If she thought that would work as an ultimatum, she thought wrong. Colton says they’ll talk about it later. She asks for a kiss, receives a peck and realizes she done fucked that shit up.
Colton then pulls Caelynn aside, tells her that Hannah used the word “hostile” to describe Caelynn, but that he didn’t get much clarity. Caelynn explains that the two handle competition differently and that she’d been through real-life traumatic things and wants to tell him, but isn’t ready. But she had a great time tonight. Wait, WHAT? A) Not an explanation, B) if you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t talk about not talking about it, and C) that was just as underhanded and vague as Hannah’s shtick! How he made heads or tails of either of those garbage conversations I don’t know, but Caelynn ends up with the date rose.
The next morning at the house Caelynn laments that she spends all her time crying, shaking, she can’t sleep, she doesn’t feel good and she’s scared of Hannah’s retaliation. Hannah B. tells Heather that it would suck if her home before Caelynn. Nope. No pageant comparisons here.
Colton and Elyse’s one-on-one date starts with a helicopter ride to San Diego.
They have the run of Belmont Park for the day, but with unexpected guests. They hosting a group of kids that may or may not be there courtesy of his own charity the Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation (it’s never really made clear). He does discuss that his charity works to gets kids out of the hospital to be normal kids and allow parents get to watch their kids just being kids. The two sneak in a private roller coaster ride with a stop at the top for a kiss.
They had back to LA for dinner at the Los Angeles Theatre. Colton tells Elyse he likes her confidence and independence and wants to know how she got that way. Elyse then discloses that her sister, Sarah, was pregnant with a second child when she learned she had a tumor. She made the decision to delay any treatment on the tumor in order to offer the best possible chance for the baby. Elyse’s sister, Sarah, ended up passing away although the baby survived and is thriving. Also, from Sarah’s own generosity in life, and in her honor, the charity Sarah’s Closet was born. Elyse gets the date rose and they head to a (shock!) private concert with a (shock) current trendy country singer (Tenille Arts).
Group date two sees Hannah G. at home with no date this week and Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole and Caitlin meeting Terry and Rebecca Crews for a workout.
Unlike last week the women seem to recognize these celebrities. We learn Catherine has done martial arts for years, Nicole can’t do a single pull-up (but she’s still my favorite) and Sydney lets him stretch her legs around her head. Cue Bachelor’s Strongest Woman Competition, commentated by Chris Harrison and a frighteningly rapidly aging Fred Willard. There’s a 100 lb push, a tire toss and a limo pull. Caitlin pulls the limo! Except that the chains are slack and there’s a guy behind the wheel so she doesn’t actually pull the limo. First round champs Catherine, Onyeka and Sydney run a race while carrying medicine balls. Onyeka kills it.
Post-workout they head to rehydrate with alcoholic beverages at Metropolis. Colton noticed Tayshia was rooting on everyone else, to which she says: strong women empower other women (will someone please tell Demi?) Nicole tells Colton about her grandmother fleeing Cuba, to which Colton says he already knew she was a strong, independent woman. Colton tells Cassie that she’s cute, quirky and awkward. Then Caitlin.
When Colton asks about her life she can’t come up with anything to share with him but she had a great day! When asked what she’s looking for she says someone to go out with her and her friends and have a really ridiculous, silly evening. But don’t worry, she’s willing to open up to him about how happy she is to know him. Cue quizzical Colton face. After telling her “I don’t think you are for me”, she tells him she doesn’t want to hold his hand while he walks her out. The date rose goes to Nicole.
The next day at the mansion Chris Harrison breaks the news that there will be no Rose Ceremony Cocktail party. PANIC!!! Oh, Chris, you sneaky guy – there’s going to be an all-day pool party! That’s never happened before!
After some obligatory splashing and screaming pool fun, Colton snags Hannah G. for one of their standard deep conversations. She: “I’ve been getting some sun by the pool everyday, but you had to know I was stressing.” He: “I like you.” (There is no sweetness left in that phrase) Hannah B. tells Heather she’s not going to let Caelynn get to her. Heather instigates (as Heather does) and throws gasoline on the dying ember. Now Hannah says there’s a tank of range and a beautiful monster inside is about to come out.
To Colton, Caelynn now describes Hannah as manipulative, deceitful and toxic. That Hannah spirals when she sees Caelynn having success. Colton, confused, says he didn’t see any of that in Hannah, but he’s trying to understand. So he goes to Hannah. She tells him it’s lies that just aren’t true (as lies tend to be). She says that Caelynn is manipulative and fake and insists he “just freaking trust her.” Cut to Courtney wearing a bejeweled choker reminiscent of my second grade Halloween costume. Frustrated, Colton ditches the party to vent to a faceless producer. Chris Harrison pops in. Colton does not appear to want to talk to Chris.
With no resolution on the Caelynn-Hannah B. conundrum we cut to the Rose Ceremony.
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Caelynn (date rose)
Elyse (date rose)
Nicole (date rose)
Hannah G. (deep thoughts)
Tayshia (he likes her three)
Katie (he likes her one)
Cassie (cute, quirky and awkard)
Kirpa (little but fierce)
Demi (Defensive Skipper)
Tracy (older and wiser)
Courtney (questionable neckwear)
Heather (instigator extraordinaire)
Onyeka (a lot of noise)
Hannah B. (rage monster)
Sent home during the 3rd Rose Ceremony: Bri, Catherine and Nina.
This week’s bracket score: 39. Total bracket score: 71. Is your bracket busted yet?