Thankfully, Episode 2 was only two hours long and did not include screaming fans behind past season Bachelor/ettes hanging out in middle America. Don’t get me wrong, I grew up in the Midwest and love it dearly, but I don’t want to watch someone else’s watch party. I digress. This is the Bachelor Episode 2 Recap (and just a little fashion)!
A group date with Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Onyeka and Catherine begins at The Regent Theater. Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally are waiting onstage and it’s unclear whether any of the women actually recognize them. Sure, there are clips (that were clearly filmed later) wherein the women reference Parks & Recreation and Will & Grace, but I’m not convinced. At least one of those women should have been peeing her pants with excitement, as I would have been. Nick and Megan each tell a short story about a first in their lives. The stories are saturated in sexual innuendo because, in case you missed it, Colton’s a virgin. The women are told that the stories are a way for Colton to get to know them better. And then, later, they’ll perform (tell) their stories in front of a full house. IT’S SHOCKING. NO-ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT.
At the official performance Colton is up first. His story is about the first time he told someone he was a virgin. Elyse is impressed by his ability to address this, given general stereotypes and expectations on men, particularly athletes. Astute observation, Elyse, and a timely reminder of the misogynistic world in which we women live, thank you. She tells about her first time dating a younger man – hey, Colton, that’s you! (Cut to Demi thinking how brave Elyse is for admitting her age, because there’s clearly no benefit – and a lot of shame – in being a women past the age of 23.)
Nicole tells a story about white bread (I think) and Colton laughs. Good! (She’s still my favorite) But the sexual innuendos are now back and in full force. Hannah G. tries to say that no-one ever wanted to date her… and then she got the First Impression Rose.
Bri is no longer peddling an Australian accent, although we don’t ever get to see the transition/reveal. Onyeka decides to low-key call out Catherine as a thirsty bitch (watch Episode 1) through a lifeguard tale. Catherine says she can swim, kicks over the mic and says f* something (sorry, couldn’t make it out and just don’t care much).
Tracy tells a story about competing against a sorority sister for a virginal fraternity president. The story includes getting punched in the face by her sorority sister. Alpha Phi at Kent State. You’re welcome. Demi announces (to the camera) that she’s going to make the audience fall in love with her. She does this by going on stage, saying she goes after what she wants, walking off stage and kissing Colton. Pssst, Demi – there are at LEAST seven women in that audience are not loving you right now. Tracy calls Demi a child. True.
Back at the house Hannah B. receives the first one-on-one date card. Cut to shots of Caelynn looking exceptionally distressed.
Part two of Group Date One is drinks at City Club Los Angeles. Colton thanks the women for being vulnerable. Did I miss something? I don’t recall vulnerability so much as largely unsuccessful attempts at comedy. Demi snags him first (duh). She tells Colton that she was “rallying” the women and that she’s a total woman-booster (nope). Then she laughs. And I’m hoping that her laugh is as fake as the rest of her because it’s awful. THEN she walks back to the other women, picks up the Date Rose, announces it’s hers and waves it in front of them. Remember when Tracy called her a child?
Colton thought Elyse was sexy and wisely states that age doesn’t define anything, recognizing her presence and confidence. They seem to relate to one another well.
Tracy decides to address the Date Rose drama with Demi. Demi says she’s totally sorry, which is totally sincere. Tracy then reaches over to fix some of Demi’s fly-aways, which is uber-condescending and moderately manipulative. And I am HERE FOR IT. Look, I have some issues with Tracy (and that’s not even addressing the Tweets), but I like her take on Demi.
Colton “checks in” with Hannah G. It’s too early for that shit. Tracy also talks about her age. Nicole tells Colton about her twin brother, who is autistic. Elyse gets the Date Rose. Suck it, Demi. Not getting the rose hits Nicole hard.
Next up, Hannah B.’s one-on-one date at Vasquez Rocks. It’s her birthday and her first time ever on horseback! As we watch them hoof away on a trail, back at the house we see Caelynn earnestly divulging a little more of their backstory. Caelynn and Hannah B. weren’t just competitors at the Miss USA pageant. They were close friends and roommates. Until Caelynn placed and Hannah didn’t. Caelynn said it was like a switch flipped and she’s expecting another switch flip again soon. Cut to Hannah telling the camera: “If something’s not perfect… I think I’m horrible.” And it’s just the saddest thing because you know really feels that way.
Colton and Hannah arrive at a couch in the desert. He proposes a toast, then challenges Hannah to make a toast. She panics, lets anxiety take over and can only smile widely. From there she has trouble keeping up with conversation. They head to a hot tub (still in the middle of Vasquez Rocks).
Sensing her anxiety, Colton attempts to address the situation but she’s unable to get out of her head to have a conversation. They reconvene on the Queen Mary for dinner. Colton proposes another toast, to taking chances and opening up (cough, cough). Once again he tries to address her quiet.
As is his standard tactic, he tells Hannah that he has felt the same way that (he believes) she’s feeling. She tries to break through, saying “When I was trying to open earlier, what I wanted to say was… WHY are you a virgin?” Um, okay. But then it turns out perhaps she was just looking for an opening to tell him that she has a great deal of guilt and shame for NOT being a virgin, and having had sex before marriage, because it makes her feel imperfect for her future husband. Elyse! We need you to explain some things to Hannah, STAT! In the end, Colton gives her the Date Rose, but with the disclaimer: he only wants to see Queen Mary Hannah going forward, not Vasquez Rocks Hannah.
Group Date Two sends Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie and Heather to Camp Bachelor Summer Camp. They play Red Rover, Duck Duck Goose, badminton and football before Camp Counselor Billy (Eichner) arrives. Again, no real recognition from the women on the celebrity guest. The women break into teams and compete to stay overnight at camp with Colton. The red team, which I think includes Alex, Cassie, Caelynn, Katie, Heather and Tayshia, wins.
By the campfire Colton tells Katie she was intense and it was sexy. They discuss growing up in competitive environments and seem to have an ease with one another. I now like her, too. This is about the time that I decide Cassie looks like a cross between Miley Cyrus and Hilary Duff.
Heather confesses to Colton she’s never been kissed. They then have the perfect moment where they could kiss, and they both look like they want to, but neither makes the move. No kiss.
Back at the house Hannah B. tells Hannah G. that she doesn’t have a problem with anyone in the whole wide world (right) except Caelynn and is worried Caelynn will say something against her to Colton. We’re now supposed to assume either Hannah B. OR Caelynn is devious and two-faced, but we don’t know which one it is!
Caelynn tells Colton she was hospitalized, and almost died, from encephalitis. And that’s serious, but it was also when she was two, so I’m not sure that she necessarily remembers it, which makes it hard to believe that the situation deeply molded who she is today. Heather gets the Date Rose.
After a random clip of Colton in the shower (which was already used in Episode 1) it’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. Courtney tells Colton that because her youngest sibling is 2 years old she’s definitely ready for a family of her own, and then stays on the mom train. Nina is looking for a best friend. Sydney interrupts Kirpa and confesses to cheating in the canoe race at Bachelor Camp. Onyeka interrupts Sydney with an air horn, then says “I’m really sorry”. Nope. Sydney attempts to interrupt and Onyeka won’t leave. Sydney leaves only to return and bang pans at Onyeka and Colton. Twice. Erika can’t say she wants kids but she knows she wants a lot of dogs. Tracy interrupts Bri. Demi, in a robe, walks in on Tracy’s time and says she’s “interrupting”. With air quotes. Nope.
The robe turns out to be a gimmick. She’s still wearing that high school homecoming dress underneath and then gives Colton what appears to be the most pathetic back massage ever. Tracy is very upset. Demi thinks it’s hilarious, so she decides to talk to her. Tracy says the robe trick was mean and rude. Demi says “you are one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met.” (Regina George: “Oh my god! I love your skirt!”) Unsurprisingly, Tracy isn’t impressed and calls (privately) bullshit on Demi. Time for the Rose Ceremony!
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Elyse (date rose, has a presence and a brain)
Hannah B. (date rose, perfectly paralyzed)
Heather (date rose, still never been kissed)
Tayshia (don’t count her out)
Cassie (Hilary Cyrus)
Caelynn (witch of the North or the West?)
Courtney (ready for a family of five)
Nicole (emotionally invested)
Kirpa (is there)
Hannah G. (obvious frontrunner)
Catherine (somehow not gone yet)
Bri (no longer Australian)
Sydney (bangin’ pans)
Onyeka (losing fans fast)
Katie (competitive advantage)
Caitlin (is also there)
Nina (looking for her bestie)
Tracy (done with Demi)
Sent home during the 2nd Rose Ceremony were Alex, Angelique, Annie and Erika. Clearly a bad week to have your name start (or end) with an A.
This week’s bracket score: 32. Total bracket score: 32. How’s your bracket looking after the 2nd Rose Ceremony?