If you’re new to the Jeans & a Tank Top Bachelor/ette Recaps, welcome to the Bachelor Colton Episode 1 Reactions!
If you’re a returning reader, you may be expecting a lengthy, somewhat snarky, full recap of the latest episode. This time we’re going to do things a little differently. Instead of taking detailed notes on the first episode, I just wrote my reactions. And that’s what you’re going to get. So, without further explanation (excuse), my train of thought while watching Episode 1 of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor!
Colton’s silhouette behind the Bachelor logo has a seriously weird foot issue.
Welcome, Colton’s a virgin.
Is Chris Harrison is coloring his hair? Is his hairline un-receding? Definitely looking younger. Good genes or good docs?
WHY IS KRYSTAL STILL INVOLVED?
The Instagram like gimmick – frankly, don’t do it and let’s see what they do then.
Why is makeup favoring frosted cheeks? I do not like this.
Cassie – Huntington Beach – speech pathologist, leaves a pile of laundry in her room when she travels.
Hannah – Miss Alabama – I’m a trainwreck! Finds his virginity appealing.
Katie – came to LA for dancing – but what does she do? Is she actually a dancer?
Heather – Carlsbad – never kissed anyone. Prev. met Colton at a charity event, has pic w/him.
Onyekachukwu dancing at the gym (hey producers, that’s the same gimmick you used for Katie), her own parents dated only 2 weeks before getting engaged.
Nicole – Miami – brother AJ is autistic and thy are a “package deal”.
Kirpa – Whittier – dental hygienist.
Demi – looks like she’s 14, mom is in prison for embezzlement.
Colton was falling in love w/Becca, devastated by end of relationship. Are they gonna talk about Tia?
Still virgin because he’s waiting for being in love, to feel right to take a relationship to that level (not marriage or ring).
Bachelor babies – Jason and Molly (has SHE had work done?)
Who are these randoms “waiting” to get into the f-ing hot tub?
Oh BARF – Krystal and Goose are a thing? Eh, they deserve each other. (Was he always called Goose?)
Someone proposing at a televised Bachelor watch party?
Nick Viall apparently still riding the Bachelor gravy train
Well that was a waste of an hour.
Demi hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12.
Tayshia talks about his heart – good call.
Nicole speaks Spanish references Havana.
Caelyn in her Miss NC sash. Not impressed.
Sydney quit her job as an NBA dancer to meet Colton (insta-guilt, first rose guarantee).
Elyse looks older than the other barely-out-of-college women.
Tahzjuan gets punny with her name.
Cassie has butterflies (one goes into Colton’s pocket after she walks away).
Caitlin pops his cherry.
Courtney has a Georgia peach.
Katie takes his V card (eye roll).
Alex D. is dressed like a sloth because Colton takes things slowly – is she fucking drunk already? Because she’s taking this way too far.
Inside, Demi might be drunk already.
Erika brings a bag of nuts.
Inside, Hannah B. notes Caelynn beat her at Miss America (Miss USA? Not sure. Neither one came away with THAT crown) neither one seems very excited to see the other.
Tracy in the cop car as fashion police.
Devin has the best dress (but it’s too much for night one).
Revian speaks Mandarin.
Nina speaks Croatian (her first language).
Alex B. speaks with posters.
Bri uses an Australian accent. She is not Australian.
Laura’s wearing the same dress as Heather.
Hannah G. is trying too hard with her walk.
Annie knows how many points are in a touchdown.
Jane brings a photoshop of their dogs together. Creepy.
Caelynn’s teeth are scary. Do pageant women wear adult flippers?
Catherine gives him her dog daughter Lucy – the dog isn’t having it – Catherine not caring. YOU DON’T GIVE YOUR CHILD AWAY TO DATE A GUY.
Cinderella carriage for Erin with old makeup – lighten up, girl.
Another proposal at another televised watch party? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?? Hey, what do you know? It just happens to be a Neil Lane ring. What a coincidence.
Nicole is my favorite right now before Colton goes in.
Colton says honest and open is the name of the game. Good luck!
And in goes Demi. Not a fan. She doesn’t know much about him, like where he’s from (but she knew he was a virgin). She refers to cats as kitty-cats, she really might be a teenager.
Erika has a great dress but MUST know why he’s a virgin because it’s bugging her and that’s the first thing she asks.
Hannah G. knows he used to “do” football and stuff, but she almost died getting out of the limo – did you hear that? She ALMOST DIED.
Caelynn moved to NC a year ago… so, she moved to get the title? Her goal (in life?) is to get married. Her pageant interview responses earn a kiss.
Sydney reminds him she quit her job to be there.
And the sloth is in the tree. Did people learn nothing from the shark dolphin??? This is NOT a good look, people. Alex D. loves a lot of things. Pretty confident she’s drunk.
And then there’s a steal/steal-back battle with Catherine, the Interrupting Monster.
Onyeka’s not having it, confronts her, walks away gloating. Psst, Onyeka. Spoiler alert: you did NOT get through to the Interrupting Monster. Yep, didn’t even finish typing that and there she is again
Well done w/the sign language, Cassie.
Katie gets the second kiss (I approve).
Random questions work for Colton and Hannah Alabama.
First Impression rose goes to Stupid Hannah G. – she declares it her best first night ever (um, only first night on the Bachelor ever, but sure) and a dream come true that she never thought she’d be considered for. Does she think she’s accepting an award?
And the first Rose Ceremony begins!
Sticking around for one more week (in order of roses received):
Hannah G (First Impression Rose)
Caelynn (Miss NC and her teeth)
Katie (second kiss)
Alex B (sick)
Hannah B (Miss Alabama)
Onyeka (not as effective as she thinks)
Caitlin (someone who was there)
Annie (was also there)
Kirpa (grew on me during the episode)
Heather (never been kissed)
Elyse (Lauren Holly-alike)
Tayshia (blood doc)
Courtney (Georgia Peach)
Cassie (fan favorite already)
Demi (might be 14)
Nina (speaks Croatian)
Erika (baffled by virginity)
Sydney (job-quitter guilt-tripper)
Bri (the not Australian)
Angelique (another woman who was there)
Tracy (a fan of herself)
Nicole (my favorite)
Catherine (Interrupting Monster)
Sent home during the first Rose Ceremony are Adrianne “Jane”, Alex D., Devin, Erin, Lauren, Revian and Tahzjuan.
Now go, fill out your Bachelor Bracket and get ready for an episode that (hopefully) doesn’t involve a lot of screaming during unnecessary live watch parties. (Seriously, no-one wanted to see that)